I think I can do this.  I still don’t like doing the homework, and I still procrastinate, but I have a firmer grasp on the necessity of doing it anyway.  I messed up my academics at GCC, and I’ve got a chance to fix it.  I don’t think there will be a third chance.  I’m confident I won’t need one.

I have a better idea of what I need to do to get where I’m going, but I still don’t know where I’m going.  I know I’ll end up doing some kind of engineering.  I think I’m interested in computer hardware design, or possibly device research.  I don’t really have a lot of information about my options.  I’m hoping to go to grad school, but I don’t really know why.  I just know that you’re ‘supposed to’, that you get a better job and have a better shot at doing something interesting.

So I have a vague direction.  But I don’t have any strong goals.  
I’m not looking to get rich.  I’ve never really liked money, despite the fact that I waste it on stuff.  I suppose if I’d had to worry about it more I might feel differently.  What I want is to make enough money that I don’t have to worry about it very much.

I don’t want to become famous (or infamous ).
I do want a castle on an island.
I like turtles.
I want to get a dog.
But there’s only one think I can think of that want.

I want a wife. (Please form an orderly line and take a number.)

Is that weird?  I’ve not really talked about this with people.  Does you have a dream job and all sorts of things planned out?  Or are you like me?


It’s kind of weird, though.  Being single bothers me, for no particular reason that I’m able to discern.  Yet I don‘t feel any urgency to become non-single.  Instead I end up watching anime or chick-flicks and feeding off the emotions contained therein.  I cry during movies, but not always during the sad parts.  I cry when the characters cry.  I think I feel the emotions of the characters more strongly than other people do.  I’m hoping it’s a latent super-power that will give me the ability to fly and spread happiness or something.

So anyway, my life continues, and I’m doing well.  I’ll beat this level yet.



Oh, I had a fun idea the other day.  I’ll approach a bunch of teen-agers and offer to buy the rights to a screenplay based on their lives.  Then I’ll wait until they all grow up, pick the famous ones, and make documentaries.

Moon Unit tried giving me the speech today.  The same speech that everyone gives me.  Everyone else wants me to succeed; they try to get my to study and to pay attention in class and to do the homework and all the rest of it.  Noone understands why I don't just buckle down and do the work.  They give me reasons why I should: I'll get a better job, my parents are putting all this money into school, whatever.  But it doesn't help.  I know _why_ I should study.  But I don't care.  I don't want to succeed. I don't want a job, I don't want money, I don't want anything.  I want to fall asleep and not have to be in the world anymore. Or I want to wake up and find out that everything I've ever done was a dream. I know I sound depressed, but I don't feel depressed. I'm apathetic. I don't want to do anything. But I do want things. I want to find Christmas presents that people will like.  I want <girlfriend> to be happy and not in pain.  I want to write programs and build circuits.  But I don't.  I haven't programmed for fun in a year. I haven't done any electronics outside of lab for a year.  I want my room to be clean but I haven't sorted anything.  I'm tired but I go to bed at 1:00.  Something's broken and I don't know what it is and I don't know how to fix it.  Evanescence doesn't make me feel any better; I should find mp3s of traditional hymns.

I want to hide from everyone.

Course	Title	Final Grade	Quality Points	GPA
COMP 222 A	INTRO TO DATA STRUCT & ALGORITHMS	D	3.00
ELEE 202 A	LINEAR CIRCUITS II	C-	5.01
ELEE 204 A	DIGITAL LOGIC DESIGN	B	9.00
ELEE 252 M	DIGITAL CIRCUITS LABORATORY	C	2.00
HUMA 202 E	CIV/LITERATURE	D	3.00
MATH 262 B	DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS	C	6.00
Term Totals:			28.01	1.7500
Career Totals:			142.29	2.0600

Why am I afraid to talk to friends? Why can't I just be serious and interact like a normal person? Why do I swap between being perfectly confident and wanting to hide?  Why can't I hide?  Make it go away....

I'm going to have orange juice and go to bed.


Meh.

I randomly found this image online:

I find this interesting.  The cartoonist is implying that the relation between the theories of creationism and the big bang/macro evolution are analogous to the other pairings given.  The problem is that Chemistry, Neurology, Physics, and Astronomy are all still observable, and therefore theories in any of these fields can easily be supported or disproved by empirical experimentation.  Alchemy and Astrology are previous systems with a philosophical basis which have been superseded by theories based on empirical evidence.  Macro evolution, on the other hand, has very little empirical evidence that supports it, despite extensive efforts to unearth more.  And it is impossible (or at least very difficult) to assess the results of the big bang as a creation mechanism by experimentation, as that would require converting our universe to energy.  Now, I'm not saying that it's any more possible to find evidence supporting creationism, or that it's possible to run an experiment to support it.  I'm merely saying that I don't see sufficient evidence to warrant the strength of the faith which people seem to have in macroevolution.  People seem to think that "Science" has to be able to explain everything.  But that's not unnecessarily true. Things can exist without it being possible to test or prove their existance or qualities. Meh.